The plan had been to go directly to Christian’s apartment, where I could change back into my own clothes and wash off the face-paint I’d used to lighten my skin. But I’d found myself driving around aimlessly, turning down unknown streets that led to other unknown streets, until I pulled round a corner and stopped for no accountable reason.
Sitting behind the wheel watching two little boys kick a ball on the grass, the tears had started flowing; big, heavy droplets that trickled over my cheeks. After a few minutes I opened the door, got out and wondered across the grass to a wooden seat by the edge of a pond, on which swans floated like clouds on the still, mirror-shine surface.
Who was I now? What had I become? Was I me, or was I someone else? A stranger to myself… How far had I gone down the road to ruin? Could I ever get back to being the woman I’d seen in the dressing table mirror that Friday morning, before I……before I what? Before I let a stranger fuck me.
Was that so long ago?
Now I’d crossed another bridge – to adultery I’d added conspiracy to burgle, burglary and theft, any one of which could see me banged up in prison for years.
I’d been reckless – and for what? A Few hours of empty desire! A little heated copulation with a man I didn’t love, and who cared less about me.
Reaching into my pocket I pulled out the photos; flicking through them I stopped at the one in which I was tied face down, my arms and legs spread, helpless, wanton, willing, waiting.
The next picture had been taken twenty five minutes later, when he’d finished using me.
“I love the look of a just fucked woman,” he’d said, reaching for the camera.
My tongue was licking my lower lip as the flash went off; hair tussled, a sated, satisfied grin on the face of the shameless slut. My own face that now seemed unrecognisable.
Who was I now…..?
My mobile was vibrating in my pocket; I’d turned off the sound before setting out. The caller ID said Christian. I wasn’t ready to answer it.
I stood up, put the photos back in my pocket and walked back to the rented car. What I needed was a drink, a bath and absolution. After that….after that what?