Looking for excuses

I am in a wine bar which has free internet access. I'm on my second vodka and tonic. Really I should have gone to the coffee house. Drinking alone is a bad idea, especially in the middle of the day; might have to give myself the rest of the day off.
Half of my disappointing club sandwich is still on the plate, slowly curling at the edges.

I've been awake all night fretting, and right now I don't know if I want to continue baring my soul to a voyeuristic digital world of strangers. I'm scared that someone out there has already seen what I put up yesterday. I can't take that back now; can't erase their memories. Might kill them though, if I knew who and where they were.

There are other lunchtime drinkers who’ve come for the same reason – to tap away on their laptops, key pads and mobile phones. Workaholics?; lovers sending saucy messages?; or the might be like me, writing about their nasty little secrets. Secrets that would wreck their neat, organised little worlds, were they to get out. How many other adulterers are here? Are we like rats - never more than ten feet away?

There’s a mirror behind me and I view my well dressed, professional reflection unkindly. How the hell did my life get so messed up?
Did I do it to myself? Or did the men who punctured me with their cocks take a piece every time I dropped my knickers and opened my legs?

Yadda, yadda! Get on with it bitch someone will probably say right about now.
Patience. You don’t have to stay and keep me company.
Where was I? How fast time goes when one is being indecisive.

There's a fair haired man at the bar who's been giving me the eye for fifteen minutes. Give you two guesses what he wants. I know exactly what he sees; lady alone; looks affluent; expensive clothes; gold watch; diamond studs in her ears; slim, brunette; green eyes; good cheekbones. And he's wondering how much he'd have to spend to get me on my back with my legs wrapped around his body?
Probably thinks I’m a call-girl. Nice delicate name for a whore. Some people might think that that is exactly what I am.
But as I said, Tic-toc! Tic-toc!

 

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